I'm So Tired of Being Here....

Words made famous by the group Evanescence in their song "My Immortal", one of Kie's favorites as far as groups and songs go. Did okay this month, made it through the 13th alright, no major breakdown like I thought there would be, kept myself busy with school. Of course, the big things come in small packages, right? So it went Saturday night. We were watching Daredevil with Ben Affleck and his now wife, Jennifer Garner. Good movie over all. The deal breaker? Her father dying. They showed the funeral and started playing the above mentioned song, and I had to leave the room. Needless to say, I had the longest, sloppiest, heartwrenching cry that I have had over losing Kierra in a long time. It left me feeling so empty, raw, and vulnerable. That made sleep hard to come by. I moved through Sunday on autopilot, trying to keep my "happy face" on. Each day is supposed to bring you one step closer to feeling better, to the weight of grief gradually lifting, then it seems like the path dissolves from under you, thrusting you back to the moment you dread the most, above all fear, above all else. Still, you search for the way, the path that you were on, to try to regain the person you were, but you will never be again. Everything is different now, life is not, and never will be, the same. Some spark has gone out, the "fairy dust" has disappeared, leaving you grounded, unable to fly above it all, carefree and happy as you once were. Melancholy leaves you as a shell of the person you once were. Will it ever end? Will it ever be okay? Of course not, but as I told my cousin a little over a year ago, it never will be okay, but we have to pretend it is and go on living our own lives. So I do, and somehow we have all made it this far. So I say, job well done to all those who are in this with me, and thanks for being there, through it all. We can make it!