Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I'm So Tired of Being Here....

Words made famous by the group Evanescence in their song "My Immortal", one of Kie's favorites as far as groups and songs go. Did okay this month, made it through the 13th alright, no major breakdown like I thought there would be, kept myself busy with school. Of course, the big things come in small packages, right? So it went Saturday night. We were watching Daredevil with Ben Affleck and his now wife, Jennifer Garner. Good movie over all. The deal breaker? Her father dying. They showed the funeral and started playing the above mentioned song, and I had to leave the room. Needless to say, I had the longest, sloppiest, heartwrenching cry that I have had over losing Kierra in a long time. It left me feeling so empty, raw, and vulnerable. That made sleep hard to come by. I moved through Sunday on autopilot, trying to keep my "happy face" on. Each day is supposed to bring you one step closer to feeling better, to the weight of grief gradually lifting, then it seems like the path dissolves from under you, thrusting you back to the moment you dread the most, above all fear, above all else. Still, you search for the way, the path that you were on, to try to regain the person you were, but you will never be again. Everything is different now, life is not, and never will be, the same. Some spark has gone out, the "fairy dust" has disappeared, leaving you grounded, unable to fly above it all, carefree and happy as you once were. Melancholy leaves you as a shell of the person you once were. Will it ever end? Will it ever be okay? Of course not, but as I told my cousin a little over a year ago, it never will be okay, but we have to pretend it is and go on living our own lives. So I do, and somehow we have all made it this far. So I say, job well done to all those who are in this with me, and thanks for being there, through it all. We can make it!

Monday, November 06, 2006

Horse Hair & Fresh Air

Oh my goodness! Not too much since last time I blogged, except I just finished out a 5 day break in Georgia. Mom, her friend Dori and I went to Southern Cross Ranch near Madison , GA for a bit to relax. I had not ridden a horse in a year and a half. It was so fun! We all tried barbeque raccon the first night, after Dori had calmed down from an allergic reaction that had her itching from head to toe. She was so funny! Mom and I about rolled off the bed laughing at her! Oooh the dirt I have on Dori now! We rode every day we were there. We got to ride some fantastic horses, and had a few adventures on them. The day we all decided to ride Percherons, we got quite a following. The colt of my horse, Trudy, was hanging out with the filly of mom's horse, Marge, along with another friend of theirs. We were followed around by three young horses for over an hour! Trudy was getting snippy with the friend, and Marge got snippy with Walker, the colt, when he kept getting between her and Tortuga, her baby. We were able to do alot of running on some of the horses though! I was able to get alot of pics too. On Saturday we all got massages to work out the kinks we had picked up from riding. It was my first ever real massage! I actually fell asleep on the table at one point! The dead give away was the snore I let out! My allergies did really good, and the air was so crisp and cool! We actually had to wear jackets AND long sleeve shirts most of the time. We even busted out a couple of sweaters!! I know! It was THAT cold! We went in the hot tub friday, and all decided to jump in the cold, unheated pool. At least, that was the original plan. Mom and I counted down, however, I was the only one to jump. Probably the only time I was able to call my mom a witch with a capital B and get away with it! It felt surprisingly good though, because it numbed my whole integumentary system! We were usually in bed around 930pm, and up around 5am. We played games on Sunday night to stay up later, and I found out Dori is a bad accomplice if you are trying to cheat at cards and pull one over on mom! She was so nervous, she dealt mom one of the cards I needed to win! We laughed so hard mom was tearing up, and I almost peed my pants! I did win at scrabble though, without cheating! It was nice to have the away time, and not have to worry about work or school and stuff like that. Of course, that all kicked right back in as soon as I got home! So much for relaxing this past week! We are wearing our new uniforms at work, and it is the middle of our busy season in the er! On top of that, school is winding up, and the holidays are approaching. Part of me wishes I could fast forward to January of next year, but that is impossible. So I will trudge on, through the season, and hopefully make it to the new year! When can I get away again????